My husband passed on June 20th. He was 5 days short of 72..but had COPD for several years. Still, He was doing okay until they discovered he had AFib, and the cardiologist insisted he go on a blood thinner, even when I told him my husband's blood was already too thin because of the many years he had drinking and you only had to touch him basically and he would bleed under the skin, but he didn't care. So he took the blood thinner and his hemoglobin dropped to five.4, and he got two pints of blood. So, then the plan was to put in a Watchman, but to do a Watchman you have to take a blood thinner before and after, but the doctor never said,maybe you're not the best candidate for this maybe we'll just do an aspirin a day and hope for the best. So , he put him on the blood thinner and sure enough he a hemaragic stroke on Easter Sunday.
Left side was affected but we were hopeful that once in rehab he would get movement back good enough to be on a walker at least because he did have some reflexes and movement but then for some reason, maybe laying in bed too long in the hospital, his colon stopped working and GI claims they tried everything and the only choice was to do in iliostomy.
I didn't want him to do it but I didn't know what else to do and like you, I fought with doctors and I was my husband's advocate and I checked everything because while I'm not a doctor I worked in the medical field as a medical assistant for many years and I had some knowledge of what goes on. I questioned everything but my husband was pretty stubborn also and he needed to wear the BiPAP machine and he just couldn't stand it, he tried but he just couldn't. After he had the iloostomy he lost 50 lbs and he wasn't a big guy so he was barely a hundred pounds
As I write this my tears are flowing because I miss him so much and I know it's not the same as your loss,you are much younger than us and have a child I know that but I feel like those doctors gave up on him. They wouldn't treat the pneumonia aggressively anymore because he wouldn't do the BiPAP and he didn't want to eat the mush that they wanted to feed him because they claimed his pneumonia was silent aspiration pneumonia.
Finally, he just couldn't breathe, it was horrible,and he said he wanted to go on Comfort Care and so on June 20th 2024,at 7:24 p.m. he took his last breath while I was holding his hand.
Like you I feel like I should have done more I should have demanded more of those doctors or I should have had him moved to a teaching hospital like Duke and I don't know why I didn't.
Now he's gone and I'm so lonely and no one really gets it. I can't stop crying, but apparently. I'm supposed to.
I hope in time, you will find love again but you'll never love the way you loved Jake again . For me, I just pray that God doesn't wake me up, because I just want to go with him I have nothing left here.
I'm so sorry that your story had to end the way it did, you guys are much too young.
I know we were older but It's still so hard because I feel like if not for that doctor making him take that blood thinner, instead of saying , maybe this isn't the best idea for you because you can take blood thinners, then he would still be here.
Anyway, good luck to you honey and I really wish the best for you for the rest of your life because you are young, too young to go the rest of the road alone.
From one more person, a stranger who's walked this path, take care of yourself. I'm no doctor but one thing I felt like I had to focus on during that time was managing my cortisol levels as best as I could, because I didn't want to give the baby an attachment disorder or other developmental issues because my stress level was fluctuating too badly.
Bess, I'm so sorry. I'm amazed you can put words to all you're going through right now.
I'm a hospitalist and the line you wrote about grief belonging to patients and their families - that summarizes well how we try to avoid touching grief when we're at work, especially when we see patient after patient.
I lost my husband of 26 years last year. His illness came up unexpectedly and 6 months later he was gone.
The night we (my daughter and I) had to “let him go” was the hardest to bear. Instead of Morphine he was given Dilaudid. I held my hand on his heart ss I watched him slowly flatline. My intense sobbing turned into a whimper silencing.
The part you wrote about your husband saying he was broken and knowing he couldn’t regain his quality of life back, resonated with me.
They know when its time to be going or go. My husband was intubated and couldn’t respond but I knew he didn’t want to hang on further just for me when his body was already failing and declining daily.
It took me longer to realize the truth of the situation than he did. He waited for me to be sure of it, too, I think. I’m so sorry you had that experience, it’s a terrible club to be in.
My wife died 16 years ago on August 18, 2008, from cancer. Each cancer journey is unique yet it passes through some of the same territory of pain and grief. It took me six years to get my life back—which is, of course, she would have wanted for me, to be alive again and not weighed by grief. It was hard. I used to think of it as "harder than hard." Every day, every minute, was a decision to go on. "I can do this moment" I repeated on and on. Sometimes, many times a minute. One day, almost six years later, on a lovely spring day, I felt "I am so happy to be alive." Instead of feeling shame thinking this as I had so many times in the past—"how can I be happy when she is dead!", I owned the feeling and said, "I loved you and I still love you, but I need to live my life now."
BTW, six years is not in any way a measure of whether one is grieving well or not. It is not a prescription. One grieves as one needs to grieve. Period. Never let anyone tell you you should be over your grief—"after all this time!" You will know when it is time.
So hard. I can only imagine what this would be like. I've been through this with parents, and other close friends, but as a wife expecting a baby, that would be so tough. I think being a doctor as well would make things complex in a whole different way. Praying for you.
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Hi..my story is and isn't similar to yours.
My husband passed on June 20th. He was 5 days short of 72..but had COPD for several years. Still, He was doing okay until they discovered he had AFib, and the cardiologist insisted he go on a blood thinner, even when I told him my husband's blood was already too thin because of the many years he had drinking and you only had to touch him basically and he would bleed under the skin, but he didn't care. So he took the blood thinner and his hemoglobin dropped to five.4, and he got two pints of blood. So, then the plan was to put in a Watchman, but to do a Watchman you have to take a blood thinner before and after, but the doctor never said,maybe you're not the best candidate for this maybe we'll just do an aspirin a day and hope for the best. So , he put him on the blood thinner and sure enough he a hemaragic stroke on Easter Sunday.
Left side was affected but we were hopeful that once in rehab he would get movement back good enough to be on a walker at least because he did have some reflexes and movement but then for some reason, maybe laying in bed too long in the hospital, his colon stopped working and GI claims they tried everything and the only choice was to do in iliostomy.
I didn't want him to do it but I didn't know what else to do and like you, I fought with doctors and I was my husband's advocate and I checked everything because while I'm not a doctor I worked in the medical field as a medical assistant for many years and I had some knowledge of what goes on. I questioned everything but my husband was pretty stubborn also and he needed to wear the BiPAP machine and he just couldn't stand it, he tried but he just couldn't. After he had the iloostomy he lost 50 lbs and he wasn't a big guy so he was barely a hundred pounds
As I write this my tears are flowing because I miss him so much and I know it's not the same as your loss,you are much younger than us and have a child I know that but I feel like those doctors gave up on him. They wouldn't treat the pneumonia aggressively anymore because he wouldn't do the BiPAP and he didn't want to eat the mush that they wanted to feed him because they claimed his pneumonia was silent aspiration pneumonia.
Finally, he just couldn't breathe, it was horrible,and he said he wanted to go on Comfort Care and so on June 20th 2024,at 7:24 p.m. he took his last breath while I was holding his hand.
Like you I feel like I should have done more I should have demanded more of those doctors or I should have had him moved to a teaching hospital like Duke and I don't know why I didn't.
Now he's gone and I'm so lonely and no one really gets it. I can't stop crying, but apparently. I'm supposed to.
I hope in time, you will find love again but you'll never love the way you loved Jake again . For me, I just pray that God doesn't wake me up, because I just want to go with him I have nothing left here.
I'm so sorry that your story had to end the way it did, you guys are much too young.
I know we were older but It's still so hard because I feel like if not for that doctor making him take that blood thinner, instead of saying , maybe this isn't the best idea for you because you can take blood thinners, then he would still be here.
Anyway, good luck to you honey and I really wish the best for you for the rest of your life because you are young, too young to go the rest of the road alone.
For me, I just want it to end.
💔❤️
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
May he rest in peace. No more pain now.
From one more person, a stranger who's walked this path, take care of yourself. I'm no doctor but one thing I felt like I had to focus on during that time was managing my cortisol levels as best as I could, because I didn't want to give the baby an attachment disorder or other developmental issues because my stress level was fluctuating too badly.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Bess, I'm so sorry. I'm amazed you can put words to all you're going through right now.
I'm a hospitalist and the line you wrote about grief belonging to patients and their families - that summarizes well how we try to avoid touching grief when we're at work, especially when we see patient after patient.
You are stronger than you think… Prayers and blessings for you…🙏
I’m so sorry. You’re are incredibly strong and the love you have together so beautiful.
I lost my husband of 26 years last year. His illness came up unexpectedly and 6 months later he was gone.
The night we (my daughter and I) had to “let him go” was the hardest to bear. Instead of Morphine he was given Dilaudid. I held my hand on his heart ss I watched him slowly flatline. My intense sobbing turned into a whimper silencing.
The part you wrote about your husband saying he was broken and knowing he couldn’t regain his quality of life back, resonated with me.
They know when its time to be going or go. My husband was intubated and couldn’t respond but I knew he didn’t want to hang on further just for me when his body was already failing and declining daily.
Thanks for sharing your story❤️
It took me longer to realize the truth of the situation than he did. He waited for me to be sure of it, too, I think. I’m so sorry you had that experience, it’s a terrible club to be in.
My wife died 16 years ago on August 18, 2008, from cancer. Each cancer journey is unique yet it passes through some of the same territory of pain and grief. It took me six years to get my life back—which is, of course, she would have wanted for me, to be alive again and not weighed by grief. It was hard. I used to think of it as "harder than hard." Every day, every minute, was a decision to go on. "I can do this moment" I repeated on and on. Sometimes, many times a minute. One day, almost six years later, on a lovely spring day, I felt "I am so happy to be alive." Instead of feeling shame thinking this as I had so many times in the past—"how can I be happy when she is dead!", I owned the feeling and said, "I loved you and I still love you, but I need to live my life now."
BTW, six years is not in any way a measure of whether one is grieving well or not. It is not a prescription. One grieves as one needs to grieve. Period. Never let anyone tell you you should be over your grief—"after all this time!" You will know when it is time.
🙏🙏🙏🙏
Bigggest hugs
Bess. I am so, so sorry. I am holding you and Athena in my heart.
My eyes have read a lot of words in my old age, but none like these. Brutally beautiful. Honest. So full of love. Peace to your sweet family.
So hard. I can only imagine what this would be like. I've been through this with parents, and other close friends, but as a wife expecting a baby, that would be so tough. I think being a doctor as well would make things complex in a whole different way. Praying for you.
I am so very sorry, Bess. 💞
Thank you for sharing your story and with such grace.